Lots of changes happening. All sad and good at the same time if that's possible. My boss and his wife are close friends of mine. He surprised me one day during a touchbase with the punch in the gut of him and the family leaving and moving to Ohio. I was so instantly depressed. It felt like I was in mourning. I wasn't just sad. I was mourning. So I spent weeks crying in my car before work. Everyday things were becoming impossible, because I just didn't care anymore. Time came and went and they moved. It was really sad. Over time I've come to a closure with it. We still talk. Not as much as before but I still plan on visiting them. I miss them both a lot.
Clare and I stuck together after they moved. Then Clare was offered a job in Ohio as well. So a few months later, she moved as well. Now 3 of my closest friends have all moved. Now it's just weird and quiet and just sort of boring. I find myself hating my job. I desperately hate the politics. All the crap that goes on, for the benefit of others' egos, is disheartening.
In the midst of all this "friend moving", Mike and I decided to divorce. I mean, could life get any harder and more depressing? It all eventually just hit me in the face one day and I just didn't want to move my body. I laid in bed, motionless, crying, non-stop. I started feeling like I just didn't care what happened next and if I didn't wake the next day, I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I sort of feel depressed writing all of this. It takes me back to how I felt back then. Thank God for therapy!!! If I hadn't been in therapy for a year now, I'm not sure where I'd be today.
I had a movie night with the girls and we saw Eat Pray Love. I wasn't particularly excited about seeing it since I wasn't that familiar with it. But it was fun girlfriend time that I desperately needed. I went feeling sort of sad and lost. I left feeling excited and full of hope. That movie changed me. I'm now a different person thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert. I felt weird in the theater watching the movie. There were so many things she was going through and doing that I was also experiencing. I felt as if people were looking at me or thinking about me when something familiar would be on screen. It was as if my life was flashing before everybody's eyes. I felt really vulnerable. But her changes and the life lessons she learned proved to me that life is better than this. I now am excited for my future and can't wait to move forward. I'm enjoying being single. I can't say I've EVER felt like that. I've always been so codependent and afraid to be alone. But I honestly, for once in my life, feel like this is such a great time and am so happy to be focusing on me for a change. I'm so in love with this story that I bought the audio book, listened to it, then had to buy the book. Now I'm going through it and highlighting the parts that really inspire me and keep me thinking positive. I'm geeking out over this book!
I realized one day, while helping Mike pack, that I didn't recognize my surroundings. I'd never actually SEEN that before. Ever. I never noticed how much of myself I'd given up until it was time to split up our stuff. I was trying to get rid of a lot of stuff because I was realizing that I didn't like it. I didn't want it. But neither did he. So I now still have that stuff. And that's just what it is. Stuff. How amazing that a person can go through life just in the motions but really never living. It makes me sad to think I've never really lived a life of who I really am. And it makes me sad to know that I've never really known WHO I am. How sad is that? To be honest, I still don't have a clue of who I am. But that's one of my goals for myself. It's imperative that I get to know me...be my own best friend.
So now we're best friends and I think our relationship is actually stronger than it's ever been. We are better communicators now and that's a huge change for us. For me especially. I've never been a communicator. And how ironic that my job is to communicate?! I'm enjoying just focusing on myself and my son. I love that I'm actually feeling happier these days and am really looking forward to what the future holds. I can't wait.
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